Your Friend May Be A Cactus
Notes on loving someone who struggles with receiving affection from themselves and others.
Conventional, rhetorical wisdom asks, “How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself?” I find it strange to chide someone who already thinks they’re doing everything wrong, to further shrink their sense of self-grace (the first & key ingredient in self-love) and shove them into a metaphorical corner where no one can touch them or care about them until they’ve magically “figured out” how to do it for themselves. I know this question is only rhetorical and not practical because I love my friend — we’ll call them U.
It is only love’s seedling for now. Daily, I try not to over-tend, over-water, so that it might grow. Loving U, who has self-described self-love issues, may be like loving a cactus. Too much water will drown them from the inside out. The one way I do agree with the rhetorical question is that loving the self gives us greater capacity to recognize and receive genuine love from others.
My partner Izel and I agree that those who can’t love themselves still need love, especially from community. Witnessing others’ love for us might remind us where that seed is buried inside of ourselves. A bit of water might jump-start the germination. A green-thumbed friend might give us a few tips and reminders for how to keep it growing.
Knowing that U has self-love issues doesn’t scare me off. It makes me want to tend the wound; not out of pity but because I already care about them, even if they don’t like themselves right now. I actually really like U as they are, awkwardness and imperfections included. To me, they are deeply lovable right now.
If even the seedling is beautiful, I can only imagine the flower!
The other day, U asked me if I thought change was inherently violent. I replied, “No. The gentlest stream can caress a stone to smoothness.” U said they’d meditate on that. We talked about subtle changes (those outside of our control or perception), building daily habits, and sudden changes like going cold turkey (which works for some). U wants to change themselves. I didn’t ask in what ways. Seems like it’s for the better. I’m hopeful that I’ll get to water U daily, again and again, as they bloom into the person they want to be.
—SRG 2025